I arrived back at my house 2 days after the new year. I will be resuming work next Monday. It is a New Year, and I have decided to make things better for myself with high hopes. If I can’t remember the past, I can make the present memorable.
I had a very good flight from Ilorin to Abuja. Though I flew in at the peak of the day, I got home tired. Just lay on a couch later that evening and thought about my experience at home during Christmas.
Everyone will be talking about my failure to get married. Even Tope, my younger cousin, would be getting married come April. Who says I can’t get married before then? I begin to laugh out loud. I am not even that old gan sef. I am just 25; I am not even 30. Where is the Tope running to? Someone that has not even completed her tertiary education. YORUBA PEOPLE, EHN!
I wonder why her parents will even allow her.
But still, it’s not my fault. I tried. God knows I did. It’s not like I planned to live all my life single and alone. I just can’t attach my happiness to anyone anymore. It just couldn’t work all those times.
The last guy was even worse.
You know it was fun while it lasted. All the rush of emotions, the laughter, the joy, the happiness, the pleasure, having someone around, just loving, you know, everything. I really didn’t think that it would end like that.
Looking back at it now, I can see a pattern. Me, alone; a boy comes along. I tell myself I won’t give in, recite all those Bible lines in my mind, start as friends and end up accepting him, and later on, I crash.
I just wonder how it can seem so difficult after all. I give my all; I do not hold back, but there’s something I always seem not to have. First, I thought I wasn’t beautiful enough. Then, I thought I wasn’t too outgoing, not social. But now, what? And every time, I am always clingy.
But, you know, I try my best. I pour my heart out (maybe that’s a problem). Or I am always too clingy. I don’t know when to stop until words are later thrown right at my face. Maybe I talk too much, or it’s because I say too little. I give my best; God knows I try.
I even tried being fashionable, tried making friends, and tried talking to people. Now, I remember somebody once told me, “Nobody will ever love you.”
I wonder why it is so. I think it’s true; the love never seems to be more than a few days then I am back to being alone. It just seems that all the while the “I love you” were all fake. It doesn’t seem… It is.
Even to the point that now I think that God doesn’t love me… Well, He does; I just forget His love and stray. I love God. What is it that these guys tell me that I believe and just disappear? God is always there. Kisses, dear God. I need the physical you.
It’s painful, though, the hurt I go through. That’s why I like my solitude. I will never give anyone space only to make them feel alone again. Make me feel being alone is bad. But wait! That was what I said before I fell for that one again. I had pictured myself being alone on an island with a house by the beach, disconnected from the people of this world. Just me with a large screen TV, internet and books to last me my lifetime or better still, I should be the only one in the world.
You know, sometimes, I just feel as though if I had children, they would never love me, or my husband wouldn’t. Told myself I won’t get married. Sad, but that’s how it is – that’s how afraid I am to get too close to people. Because when it happens, no one will be there to see me cry.
I do talk to myself sometimes, to keep my mind alive. Or self-love (most painful), but with that, I don’t get to need anyone.
To being alone, being around people scares me. I’m always conscious that I will do something wrong that they won’t like. I hate feeling that way, so why not avoid people? Avoid being judged. Don’t get me wrong; I do not mind being corrected, but I mind being criticised. You know, I feel I will never be good enough; there will always be that thing.
I hate when I get depressed, sad, and alone with no one to talk to. This is the best way I can pour my feelings out so I don’t break down.
When the last guy came around, not to lie, I was smitten, but I got rid of it with the mind that he’s just too good for me and that he has better girls… the guy before him made me second-guess myself… The guy before him destroyed my confidence.
You know I have suicidal thoughts, thoughts that I should die, thoughts that everything should end… But God doesn’t want that; he wouldn’t let me go. I have that little hope inside. I believe. But right now I am depressed. I hope to get out of it. Do not worry; I will narrate my life with all these guys.
The way he pushed me away. I don’t understand. He wanted me to look at him; did I look too intense?
My mouth gan won’t stay in one place, but in all, it is not someone I will talk to, no matter how much I desire to be alone. I wish somebody would help me understand why it has to be like this for me; I wish somebody would tell me that I will be fine. I wish these tears would stop flowing. I wish somebody would understand the way I am and truly love me within and without. I trusted all of them; I was always ready to give up all I had. Thank God I didn’t.
Now, I feel pain everywhere
So depressed…
And they want me to get married. Hahahaha…
They caught me at the wrong time.
NEXT PART: I’M SMILING EVEN IF I CAN’T REMEMBER – Part 5
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