HOLDING ON AND LETTING GO

Holding on and letting go is like wearing my scars like souvenirs that I shouldn’t be holding onto as I have.

I’ve loved people with everything I’ve had in me, only to give it my all and leave myself with nothing.

I hold onto the past like it’s a catchy tune on repeat, but I keep pushing replay.

And I think about old loves who have moved on. I look at myself, still hung up over it.

Like it’s my fault for the love they couldn’t give me.

Like it’s my best that was never good enough.

I never pin heartbreak on those who deserve its blame.

I never say it was them who were flawed or unworthy of all I had to give.

Instead, I look at my reflection, analysing a list of shortcomings.

The blame gets placed on things I can’t change about myself.

I keep trying to be what they want and need, only to realise every time I change, I lose myself more in the process.

I lose myself trying to keep people who aren’t mine.

I lose myself clinging to the past.

I look at the people they love and the happy relationships they find themselves in, and I wonder what she has that I didn’t.

Because as they go to bed together, I’m lying in a bed too big for one, clinging to a sweatshirt I should have thrown out by now.

My Journey on Holding On and Letting Go

The words ‘What if?’ play in my mind, and I know I shouldn’t be saying those things.

The pictures on my phone feel like yesterday. And I know I should delete them, but I can’t seem to. I refuse to look at the calendar and accept how much time has passed.

I’ve gotten love once right, and I don’t know how I did it?

I don’t know how to mimic such a thing.

Sometimes I wonder if pain is all I’ll ever know.

Sometimes I wonder if I like it.

I like knowing when everyone leaves; it’s at least pain I can rely on.

Of the many inconsistent things in my life, pain isn’t one of them.

And people ask about sadness and how I just know.

They thank me for feeling things so deeply.

But it’s happiness that is in that state so unfamiliar.

I float through the motions, painfully content.

Knowing there’s more out there.

Knowing there’s something I’m missing. Or rather, someone.

The decision between holding on and letting go

I keep thinking I met him, and he’s already gone.

But what if I haven’t?

What if I’m one strange encounter away from someone teaching me that this pain I’ve held onto for so long isn’t mine to harbour?

I look forward to the day I release it from my grip and stop holding on so tightly to everything I should let go of.

I look forward to the day someone looks at me with confidence in their eyes, like they’ve spent their whole life trying to find me, too.

Bolu Adegbile

Your yearning for that profound connection is a beautiful reflection of the human spirit’s desire for belonging. May the universe conspire to bring you together with the one whose eyes hold the same recognition and unwavering certainty, a mirror to the lifelong search you’ve both undertaken.

That longing for recognition, for someone to look at you with the unwavering certainty of a lifetime’s search, is a powerful current many of us navigate. It’s a delicate balance, this journey of holding on to the hope of that deep connection while simultaneously letting go of the need to control when or how it appears. We carry the quiet faith that one day, the eyes that meet yours will reflect the profound joy of a search finally ended, a mutual discovery that feels both fated and utterly real.

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