
How to Identify Your Relationship Communication Style
Your relationship communication style is the secret sauce to a happy and healthy partnership, or the ingredient that can make things go a little…soggy. Think of it like this: you might both be speaking English, but if one person is using Shakespearean prose and the other is slinging Gen Z slang, things are bound to get lost in translation. Understanding how you and your partner communicate—the nuances, the quirks, the potential pitfalls—is the first step to building a connection that can weather any storm.
So, are you a direct communicator who lays it all on the table, or do you prefer a more subtle, hint-dropping approach? Do you process your emotions out loud, or do you need some quiet time to reflect before sharing? Figuring out your relationship communication style and that of your partner can be a game-changer. It’s not about changing who you are, but about learning to speak each other’s language so you can truly hear and understand one another.
What are Relationship Communication Styles?
Relationship communication styles are the unique ways in which individuals interact and exchange information with their partners. It encompasses both the verbal and nonverbal cues we use, as well as the underlying intentions and emotional tones that accompany our messages.
What are The Different Communication Styles in A Relationship?
Understanding the various communication styles in a relationship is like learning a new language—it can be tricky at first, but it’s essential for building a strong and lasting connection. Just like how different cultures have unique ways of expressing themselves, individuals bring their own relationship communication styles to the table, shaped by their upbringing, personality, and past experiences. Let’s explore some of the most common communication styles in a relationship:

1. Assertive Communication
Assertive communication in a relationship is all about expressing your needs and feelings clearly and respectfully while also honouring your partner’s perspective. It’s about finding that sweet spot between being a doormat and a bulldozer. For example, instead of saying, “You always leave your dirty socks on the floor!” (which is accusatory), an assertive approach would be, “I feel frustrated when I see socks on the floor because it makes the space feel messy. Could we find a designated spot for them?”
This one of the relationship communication styles fosters open and honest conversation, where both partners feel heard and valued. It’s about setting healthy boundaries and expressing your needs without blaming or attacking your partner. Assertive communication promotes mutual respect and understanding, laying the foundation for a balanced and fulfilling relationship.
2. Aggressive Communication
Aggressive communication in a relationship is characterised by prioritising one’s own needs and feelings over the partner’s, often involving blaming, criticising, or controlling behaviours. It can manifest in yelling, name-calling, or even passive-aggressive tactics like the silent treatment. For instance, an aggressive communicator might say, “You’re so lazy! You never do anything around here!” This kind of language is hurtful and creates a hostile environment, making it difficult for the other partner to feel safe or respected.
This style of communication often stems from insecurity or a need for control. While it might seem like the aggressive communicator is getting their way in the short term, it ultimately damages the relationship in the long run. It erodes trust, creates resentment, and can lead to emotional or even physical abuse. Healthy relationships require a balance of power and mutual respect, which aggressive communication actively undermines.
3. Passive Communication
Passive communication in a relationship involves avoiding expressing one’s needs and feelings, often prioritising pleasing the partner or avoiding conflict. It might look like always going along with what the other person wants, even if you have different preferences. For example, a passive communicator might say, “I’m fine with whatever you want to do,” even if they secretly really wanted to go to a different restaurant.
While it might seem like passive communicators are easygoing and agreeable, this style can lead to resentment and a buildup of unexpressed emotions. It can make it difficult for the partner to truly know what the other person wants or needs, hindering intimacy and understanding. In the long run, passive communication can leave individuals feeling unheard and unfulfilled in the relationship.
4. Passive-Aggressive Communication
Passive-aggressive communication in a relationship is a sneaky way of expressing negative feelings indirectly, often through sarcasm, subtle sabotage, or withdrawal. It’s like saying something with a smile that actually has a hidden jab. For example, someone being passive-aggressive might say, “Oh, don’t worry about it, I’ll just do it myself since you’re clearly too busy,” when they’re actually feeling hurt and resentful.
If this is your relationship communication style, it can be incredibly confusing and frustrating for the other partner. It makes it difficult to address the real issues because the feelings are masked behind indirect behaviour. Passive-aggressive communication creates a sense of unease and can lead to misunderstandings and arguments. It prevents genuine connection and problem-solving, as the real feelings and concerns are never openly addressed.
Understanding these different communication styles in a relationship is the first step towards building healthier and more fulfilling connections. By recognising your own style and that of your partner, you can work towards more effective communication and create a relationship where both of you feel heard, understood, and respected.
How to Identify Your Relationship Communication Style.
Identifying your relationship communication style is like becoming a detective of your own interactions! It’s about paying close attention to how you express yourself, both verbally and nonverbally, and recognizing the patterns that emerge in your relationships. Here’s a guide to help you on your self-discovery journey:
1. Reflect on Your Typical Communication Patterns
Think about how you usually initiate conversations with your partner. Do you tend to be direct and to-the-point, or do you prefer a more gentle and indirect approach? How do you typically express your needs and feelings? Do you find it easy to be open and vulnerable, or do you hold back for fear of judgment or rejection? Consider how you handle disagreements or conflicts. Do you tend to be assertive and try to find a compromise, or do you avoid confrontation altogether? Reflecting on these patterns can provide valuable insights into your dominant communication style.
For example, if you notice that you often preface your needs with phrases like “I don’t want to bother you, but…” or “I’m probably wrong about this, but…”, it might indicate a tendency towards passive communication. On the other hand, if you find yourself frequently interrupting your partner or using phrases like “You always…” or “You never…”, it could suggest an aggressive communication style.
2. Pay Attention to Your Nonverbal Cues
Communication is more than just the words we say. Our body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice play a significant role in how our messages are received. Are you aware of your nonverbal cues? Do you make eye contact when speaking to your partner, or do you tend to look away? What is your typical posture – open and relaxed, or closed off and tense? Do you use your hands to emphasize your points, or do you tend to be more still? Paying attention to these nonverbal cues can reveal a lot about your underlying emotions and intentions.
For instance, if you tend to cross your arms and avoid eye contact during disagreements, it might signal defensiveness or a lack of openness to your partner’s perspective. Conversely, if you lean in and nod while your partner is speaking, it shows that you’re engaged and actively listening.
3. Consider Your Emotional Responses
How do you typically feel during and after conversations with your partner? Do you feel heard and understood, or do you often feel frustrated or misunderstood? Do you leave conversations feeling energized and connected, or do you feel drained and resentful? Your emotional responses can provide clues about whether your communication style is effective and fulfilling.
If you consistently feel anxious or on edge during conversations with your partner, it might indicate that you’re not expressing yourself authentically or that your relationship communication style is contributing to conflict. Similarly, if you often feel ignored or dismissed, it could suggest that your needs are not being adequately communicated or that your partner’s communication style is not meeting your needs.
4. Seek Feedback from Your Partner
One of the most valuable ways to identify your relationship communication style is to ask your partner for their perspective. How do they perceive your communication? Do they feel that you listen to them and understand their point of view? Are there any specific communication habits that they find helpful or hurtful? Be open to receiving feedback, even if it’s not always easy to hear. Remember, the goal is to improve your communication, not to be perfect.
For example, you could ask your partner, “How do you feel when we talk about difficult topics?” or “Is there anything I could do to make our conversations more productive?” Their feedback can provide valuable insights into how your relationship communication style is impacting them and suggest areas for improvement.
5. Reflect on Past Relationships
Think about your communication patterns in past relationships. Were there any recurring issues or misunderstandings? What did you learn about your communication style from those experiences? Reflecting on the past can help you identify any patterns or tendencies that you might be repeating in your current relationship.
For instance, if you notice that you consistently had arguments about the same topic in past relationships, it might be worth exploring whether there are underlying communication issues that need to be addressed.

By engaging in self-reflection, paying attention to your nonverbal cues, considering your emotional responses, seeking feedback from your partner, and reflecting on past relationships, you can gain a deeper understanding of your relationship communication style. This knowledge is a powerful tool for building stronger, healthier, and more fulfilling connections with your loved ones.
Until I come your way again, remember to subscribe to Doyin’s Honest Notes and enjoy a drop of honey for your day.